This Just In! Now All Children Go to Heaven!
October 9, 2006
Breaking news from the Vatican, now all children go to Heaven. Previously, Catholics believed that babies who died without being baptized (i.e., goyishe passul mikva) went to limbo (limbus infantium), where they just kind of chilled out. Since they believe all humans are born with the sin of Adam, the baby didn’t deserve to go to Heaven, but since not actually doing any sin, they didn’t deserve Hell either.
This has all been done away with and now all kids just go to Heaven. While I’m sure you are all dan the Pope l’kaf z’chus and assume that this was based on some huge limud, the reality is:
The Catholic Church is aware of the fact that Muslims believe that all children go to Heaven and given the current tense state with Islam will draw on this fact when it issues its conclusions on Friday.
Muslims also believe that children under 10 who die go straight to Heaven.
This is the Vatican’s key to global policy: if someone hates you, just do what they do. Just change your beliefs to be more like theirs, and they’ll love you. Let’s see if this works.
Today’s news tidbit from your boy…..Y-Love.
Entry Filed under: Ruckus, politricks. .
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1.
Yoseph Leib | October 10, 2006 at 2:27 pm
they haven’t caught on to the power of singing the enemy’s songs yet, as far as we know. that would be the end.
2.
radloh | October 11, 2006 at 3:00 pm
Like Judaism ain’t as racist and Fucked up as Catholiciam is. Give the Charedim the world, as it was given to the Catholic church, and they will do even worse. Oh, like Judaism places gentile chidren in Heaven? How about King David’s poem about the chidren of Isreal’s enemies “Ashrai Sheyoiachez V’nipaitz Es Oililayich Al Hasolah, praised is he who will grab your children and swing them against the rock. I’m sick of Charedim thinking that they are merciful and tolerant and like they have some kind of better system for the world.
Under Charedi Govt: All fags die; all shabbos smokers die. Hey, if Moses was round I would have been killed like ten thousand times already. So a big fuck you to Ylove for thinking that Charedim are like humanistic or something
3.
Y-Love | October 11, 2006 at 5:35 pm
JudaISM isn’t racist and f**ked up — for that matter neither is CatholicISM. -Isms are systems of thought, neither white nor black, neither male nor female, neither gay nor straight. A problem with Jews is not a problem with JudaISM, and that which Jews do or traits which Jews xhibit may or may not have anything to do with JudaISM.
Judaism DOES place gentile children in Heaven, check perek Cheilek in Sanhedrin, check Parshas Ha’azinu — the pasuk af chovev amim. The Amora Shmuel had his goyishe friend Avleit (from the Gemara in Avoda Z), Rebbi chilled with Antoninus, and we learn all sorts of things — from kibud av v’em to table manners — from goyim. Would Shmuel be able to have his goyishe friend over for dinner in today’s B’nei Brak? Would you find a rav today in Meah Shearim saying “if you want to know how to eat like a mentsch, go to Ramallah and watch how the sheikh eats”?
Charedim are humanistic, non-racist, and wonderful. The only question in my mind is, “where are the real Charedim”?
“Fags die”? There is a Yerushalmi (Jachnoun knows all of this) which speaks of a gay couple who were caught having sex — actual “we’re going to stone this motherf***er” mishkav zachar — by one witness, and we know that al pi shnayim eidim yakum davar. We don’t find that witness going and doing anything after that — i.e., trying to get other witnesses or nominating them for the barley-in-the-stomach death by Beis Din. What would happen today?
Who is more charedi — a group of Chassidim in Meah Shearim or Chaza”l?
Shabbos smokers die? The Chofetz Chaim saw someone breaking Shabbos, what did he do? He grabbed his hand and cried over the person’s lack of recognition of Shabbos. Would the Chofetz Chaim have given a clop on a bimah and said, “Rabosai! Shteht in pasuk ‘u’biarta ha’ra m’kirbecha’!! Chaptzem!!!”? Would Chaza”l have thrown rocks or bags of cholent at cars?
The dying you refer to comes from a perversion of halacha, not an upholding of halacha. Do you think Moshe Rabbeinu — with his Sudanese/Ethiopian wife — would have been able to rent an apartment in Boro Park? Or the Ethiopian Amora R’ Yochanan m’Hundakei from Kiddushin? Or — f**k it — even the Arizal, since he left being Ashkenazi and became Sephardi (gasp!)?
And don’t take Psalm 137 out of context. See the first few verses, post traumatic stress based on involuntary relocation? Bro you’d say the same thing if you had to leave your country and walk around anti-Semitic neighborhoods 24/7.
I don’t think all Charedim are humanistic or anything. I think that the word Charedi being used to refer to everyone from the guy who slapped my friend in the face for her not being tznius enough in Bnei Brak to Moshe Rabbeinu is a travesty, sick, and a complete distortion of what Torah stands for. I think the word Charedi needs to be reclaimed and redefined by ppl who actually want to do what G-d wants done, not just what the Rav said was a “mitzvah chiyuvis”.
If Moses were around, there would be about 6 yeshivos in Brooklyn, and about 45 rebbeim. The rest would have been sent out of the camp — to Long Island — for being tamei.
4.
radloh | October 12, 2006 at 9:40 pm
y-love I don’t know where to begin. But let me just say, you are dead wrong, and I love you anyway. more to come…